Hi, I’m Zack Kilmer, and I have Autism.
More specifically, I have PDD-NOS which stands for Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. There are 3 major classifications on the Autism spectrum: Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and PDD-NOS.
You can look up details if you want, but PDD-NOS is basically the name doctors stick on kids when they don’t meet all of the criteria of Aspergers or classic Autism, but still exhibit obvious deficiencies in social interaction, motor skills, and/or communication.
When I was 3, I was very Autistic. I lost my ability to communicate, stacked things repetitively, and rocked back and forth. Now, those who know me are always shocked when I tell them. “I never would have guessed” is something I get a lot. This is understandable, as I’ve exceeded the wildest expectations of when I was young, and have become mostly normal at this point. You might just think I was a little awkward or quirky.
However, people need to understand that Autism is not curable. I still have it; I’ve just become extremely high functioning due to countless hours of work from doctors and my mother. So much so, that people who don’t know me personally wouldn’t know unless I told them.
This puts me in a unique position. Because I have been as close to cured as is probably possible, I am able to articulate what goes on in an Autistic person’s head as they interact with others and live their lives (to the best of my ability.) I can act as a voice for the people who don’t know how to say it.
Many historians theorize that Einstein had Autism of some sort. Courtesy of Getty Images.
In my brain, the wiring that was supposed to be used for interacting with others was placed somewhere else. This is why many Autistic people are geniuses or savants (not to say that I’m a genius. I am, but I can’t say that because that would be arrogant.) Raymond in Rain Man had a bunch of extra circuits in the math portion of his brain at the expense of his social skills.
When people talk, they read faces like a book in order to gauge what each other is feeling and how they’re reacting to what is being said. Being Autistic is like being socially dyslexic. The letters of human body language and facial expression come back to me in a backwards and jumbled mess.
Over time and with much help, I’ve learned to do it. Most people do it automatically, but I have to do it manually.
This is why I say inappropriate things that make people upset, and don’t realize. My mom has alerted me countless times of how I’ve offended people, and since they will not say anything to be polite, she points it out so I can learn to spot it.
This is also why I’m so direct and blunt. I’m bad at decoding social subtleties, so if I can get away with airing everything out in the open, I take the chance. (Side note, this is why I’m not as adept with the ladies as I like. Flirting for me is like walking through a minefield, blindfolded, with my arm tied to my leg.)
I also do something called “stimming,” which is common among autistic people Derived from self stimulation, stimming is the rapid and repetitive movement of (most commonly) the hands that is comforting and usually stimulates a response (here is an awesome video explaining in detail.) The need to do this is a side-effect of the abnormalities of Autistic neurological systems.
When I was younger, I would almost get "reverse ADHD," and obsesses over one thing obnoxiously. Harry Potter was one of those, and arguably still is, one of those things.
Severely impaired and unaware autistic people can be seen stimming, but it’s a very private thing for me. When I was young, I used to do it to comfort myself when there was too much excitement or too much stimuli in a situation, or if I was underwhelmed and bored from there being not enough stimulation. Now, I can control it and stop and start as I please.
This is something that is really hard to explain to common-folk, and I also can’t say it’s the same with other Autistic individuals. But I will give it my best shot.
When I stim, my I clench my hands together focus in on them. When this occurs, I’m no longer part of this world. I retreat into my mind.
I know it sounds like day dreaming, but what I’m talking about is a different animal. It’s more like actual dreaming, except that I’m awake. Imagine if you had the ability to dream whatever you wanted, when you wanted, with only the limits of your own imagination to stop you.
I’m a creative writer, and hope to be a full-time novelist someday (which is ironic considering doctors did not think I’d be able to read a book, let alone write one.) When I stim, It’s like having an IMAX in my head. I play the scenes of the stories I hope to write through a projector in my brain; with vivid and colorful detail.
This part of my disorder, I actually consider a gift. It is something I’ve always had, and I can’t imagine not having it. I also thought everyone could do it for the longest time, until I became self aware of it.
With how far I’ve come, it’s difficult to say whether some of my behaviors and the way I socialize is part of my personality, or a side-effect of Autism. At this point though, I don’t think it really matters. I’m proud of who I am, and I’m not comfortable with the thought of being anyone else. It’s is a part of me, and has shaped me for better or worse. No one can say that they “want” a disorder, but if Autism makes me me, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
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